Oneiric Circus
The year was 2009. I was 28 and still searching for my place in the world—or even a proper job, despite my credentials and degrees. To make ends meet, I occasionally worked as a wedding assistant photographer or took on freelance design projects. Back then, I dreamt of being one of those magazine photographers whisked off to the other side of the world, all expenses paid. You know the type—pashmina-wearing, cameras swinging around their necks. A wannabe war photographer, though without the stomach for gunfire.
The thing is: I didn’t even have enough money to fill the gas tank of my dad’s borrowed car for a date. I daydreamed of photographing Asia but, more prosaically, all I could afford to document was within walking distance.
When I heard on the news that a tiger escaped from a circus nearby, I had the typical lightbulb moment. “I will photograph a circus”, I said. Two weeks later, I still hadn’t found a circus that would let me in with a camera. Through an old acquaintance—someone I haven’t seen since—I finally got access. The day of the shoot, I had to choose: spend my last 10 bucks on pizza and beer with friends, or fill up the tank to drive there. It was an easy win.
Inside the tent, the smell of popcorn and glow of electric lights mesmerized me. But my excitement quickly turned to dismay when I realized my cheap camera couldn’t handle the dim light. The ISO maxed out at 800, the autofocus was sluggish and the lens I used quite dark leaving me with blurry, grainy images. After a few minutes of frustration, I decided to embrace the flaws and embrace a dreamlike aesthetics that, with the right amount of imagination, could be defined as Fellini-inspired.
Looking at these photos today, 15 years later, I see a different person—a kid with big dreams and an unpolished love for art. Back then, a part of me already knew the destination but had no map. What I did have was an urge to create, to witness.
Today, I praise that young man—not so much for his skills, but for his determination despite the odds. Young man, you may not have ended up a photographer by trade, but you are one. And that’s enough.
